CHAPTER 86: GOD, HAPPINESS, AND CHOICE
『About the next topic, for now, unlike Fiiyanamia-sama or the Spirit King, we don’t have any duties.』
「Meaning we can continue on as we usually do, right」
『Though, it won’t be that way for long.
There’s already a little divinity mixed into me and it appears that I’m gradually going to get closer to godhood.
Eventually I’m going to be one of the divine.』
「Then Ain is going to be a god」
Ciel tilts her head.
Hearing me saying I’m going to be a god all of a sudden probably doesn’t feel real and honestly, my situation doesn’t really matter.
『Me becoming a god is relatively inconsequential, so let’s leave it at that for now.
Continuing on, once half of my magic power becomes replaced with divine power, it seems like that’s when I become one of the gods.
And I was told that at most it would take 10 years to reach that point.』
「So what’s the problem」
『As I become more of a god, you’ll be pulled along and become a god as well.』
Saying this felt like I’m facing the greatest challenge of my life, but Ciel doesn’t seem to understand it.
If I had a body, the anxiety I feel right now would probably tear my heart open but it seems like this feeling is still going to continue on for a while.
「What happens when I start becoming more like a god」
At a certain point, you’ll start being able to hear the voice of the spirits and then it will be possible to touch them as well.』
『Then once you step into godhood, you’ll stop aging, gradually food and sleep becomes unnecessary and then it’ll be hard for you to die.
The problem is that it’s irreversible.
Once you’ve stepped into godhood, you can’t go back to being mortal anymore.』
Even after saying this much, Ciel’s expression is as serious as before.
I don’t think that Ciel doesn’t understand what this means, but it probably feels surreal for her.
That’s why the thing I’m about to say next… might be a bit unfair.
『In order for you to not become a god, I need to disappe-……』
「Then there’s no need to think about it.
Ain disappearing is a straight no.」
I was interrupted before I could finish.
I feel undoubtable resolve from the clarity of Ciel’s voice.
Honestly, this relieved me.
Even if I were to disappear, I’m already prepared for it but even so, parting with Ciel is painful.
Still, I can’t just stay all relieved here.
After all, it’s not something that should be decided impulsively.
『Please think about it properly, Ciel.
You’ll stop being human, you know』
It’s an important decision, so please choose more carefully.
As I spoke with this in mind, Ciel puffed her cheeks.
She huffily pouted her lips.
Frankly speaking, it seems like I made her angry.
「Then what about you, Ain Are you really thinking properly I said it, didn’t I If Ain disappears, I’ll search for you forever.
I’ll do it until I die, okay
Don’t tell me that you think I’m lying」
『I don’t, but it might be too late to decide when you start thinking that you want to stay human.』
「And that’s the same with Ain disappearing.
If I think of wanting to be with Ain, it’ll be too late when you’re already gone.
Besides, even if I become a god, I have Ain, the spirits and Fii, right
I have all that I need.
Do you understand」
『Yes…… I understand.』
Intimidated by Ciel, I ended up agreeing.
This might be the first time Ciel became angry at me.
Yesterday might have been the first time I yelled at her as well but the situation is completely different.
If there was someone else watching us, they’d probably be asking who’s the real mature one here.
As I was feeling depressed from my lack of dignity, Ciel asked me with a quiet voice.
Ain, do you perhaps hate me」
『No, I really love you.
If not, I wouldn’t have remained with you until now.』
「Me too, I really love you too, you know
That’s why, no matter what happens, I’ll always choose Ain.
Is that not good」
Ciel’s words make me extremely happy.
Happy, but for some reason, it’s bothering me.
Fiiyanamia-sama told me that us being together is fine.
I’m sure that Ciel right now honestly doesn’t mind if she becomes a god.
She likely doesn’t have any attachments to being mortal.
Then why do I feel bothered
What’s making me feel uneasy
Why was I convinced that I have to part with Ciel
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So she can be independent
Because I need to let her be free
Ahh, I see.
It’s because I thought that if she doesn’t become independent and I don’t let her go, she won’t get happiness.
I’m uneasy because I don’t know if I can make Ciel happy.
If I had died at a slightly younger age, I could probably say that I would make Ciel happy no matter what hardships we face.
If I had been a highschooler, I might even confidently declare so with baseless conviction.
I wasn’t looking at reality yet, after all.
However, while I can’t call myself a proper adult, I’m not so immature as to not understand the difficulty of taking responsibility for the life of a person.
Moreover, if we become gods, that life likely won’t end.
It’s much heavier than the life of a human lasting only several decades.
「Something’s bothering you, isn’t it」
『I…… I don’t want to part with you, Ciel.
But… I’m not confident that I can keep you happy.
When I think that I might cause you unhappiness after dragging you along with me, it makes me feel anxious.』
I’m exposing my insecurity to Ciel.
But I have to properly tell her this.
I can’t just say 「I’ll definitely make you happy」 so irresponsibly.
If I had to say anything 「I’ll continue to protect you」 is the most I can say.
Hearing my words, Ciel tilts her head and thinks about something.
「You know, Ain.
I like Ain.
I like how Ain laughs, I like how Ain sings, and I like it when you enjoy yourself.
However, I also like seeing Ain being stumped.
I also like seeing Ain embarrassed and I also like how you get angry for my sake.」
『Is…… that so』
「But you know, you know, I don’t like seeing Ain actually troubled and I don’t want to see you being sad either, okay
Ummm, I’m glad that Ain is thinking about making me happy, and that’s already enough to make me happy, but I think what Ain means by making me happy is impossible.」
『What do you mean』
Ciel mustering everything she has to speak is adorable but I can’t see her point, or rather I can’t understand her well.
「Ain and I are different after all.
When Ain seems troubled, I get happy seeing Ain being stumped.
You’ve never known about this up until now right, Ain
Besides, even I don’t know everything that would make me happy.
I’m sure that if I see another side of Ain I never knew before, I’d either be happy or sad.
In the same way, even I don’t know how I can become happy.
That’s why, I think I’ll just become happy on my own.
I’m sure that you also get happy on your own, right Ain
But even so, while I don’t know how I can become happy, I at least know that I need Ain to be happy.
How about you Ain Does your happiness need me」
Certainly I had no idea that Ciel enjoyed seeing me be troubled.
For some reason, it makes me feel really ticklish.
Still, does my happiness need her…… huh.
If it was before I met Ciel, I can’t say that it does; but now after I’ve met her, happiness without Ciel is unthinkable.
Rather, it’s because I was clinging onto Ciel ever since I came to this world that I was able to live on.
『It does…… yes.』
「In that case, there’s no problem.
After all, Ain doesn’t need to make me happy.
From now until forever, let’s be happy on our own together.」
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Like a blooming flower, with the brightness of the sun.
Somehow it sounded a bit like she was proposing and the thought made me break into a smile as well.
Ahh, but that’s true.
Our relationship isn’t something which we can just be independent or let go of.
It can’t be at this point.
I will continue to protect Ciel and I plan to do as much as I can to make Ciel happy, but that’s because I want to see Ciel be happy.
Ciel probably feels the same.
And it’s fine that way.
Being with each other feels natural, being with each other is necessary, both of us want to make the other happy, and just being with each other gives us happiness.
It feels like we’re about to sink into a bottomless quicksand but as long as we’re happy, it doesn’t matter.
The two of us are mutually dependent on each other.
However, it’s not in a negative way.
At the very least, that’s what I think.
「So Ain, no more talk about disappearing, okay」
「Then are we done talking now」
Hearing that, I remembered.
We aren’t here for a reaffirmation of our relationship but to talk about what will happen to us in the future.
However, I think that I’ve already talked about the things that needed immediate discussion.
After all, the main issue was about Ciel’s transformation into a god.
Ah, but come to think of it, there is another thing that I have to inform her about as soon as possible.
『There’s one more thing that I have to talk about.』
「What is it」
『The Supreme God said that she’ll grant any single wish of yours, Ciel.
Although it’s not exactly anything, it seems.』
「She’ll grant a wish」
『I was told that an oracle will be given to answer whether it’s possible to grant or not.』
While there are limits, it’s the Supreme God herself who’s going to grant it, so most things should be possible.
But the clichéd raising the dead, immortality, or world domination is probably not allowed.
Becoming a noble might be complicated too.
What would I wish for if it were me As I was pondering that, it seems like Ciel has decided on something.
「I want Ain’s body.」
「I want to touch and interact with Ain too.
Ain has a spiritual body, so it should be possible, but what do you think」
『For now, let’s wait for the oracle.』
“Wait for the oracle” sounds so amazing.
Though I don’t really think that oracles are things that just come if you wait for them.
【If it’s only one day in Fiiyanamia’s manor, it’s viable.】
「Was that the oracle」
『So you heard that too.
That should be the case.
This is my first time with one though, so I can’t say for sure.』
「But only one day is allowed, right…… Well, it can’t be helped.」
『Are you fine with that Ciel』
「What else is there to wish for It would have been better if it was permanent but that’s not allowed, right」
『If you say so, then alright.』
Since it’s Ciel’s wish, I don’t intend to interfere.
Rather, Ciel looks as if this was frankly the most natural wish in the world.
She’s absolutely not thinking about asking for my opinion on it.
Now that I think about it, the Supreme God sounded like she knew what Ciel’s wish would be, so I guess she expected this.
Or rather, preparing my body needs limitations, huh.
Like, I feel that providing a homunculus-like thing for me to go into would be good enough though.
Ah…… but it likely won’t work unless it’s capable of withstanding divine power.
In that case, it might be considerably difficult in the technical aspect.
Or rather, a homunculus with divine power smells like an 「Artificial Divine XX」 case.
『Come to think of it, when exactly will the countdown of that one day start』
If it starts right now, then it’ll be a bit awkward.
Maybe tomorrow 」
『I think that she should be overhearing this conversation, so she’ll likely consider that.』
「Then I’ll have to talk to Fii about this too.
It’s a rare opportunity to interact with Ain after all, so I’ll have to make sure that no one gets in the way as much as possible.」
『I don’t really think that she’ll get in the way though……』
I have no clue if my words reached her ears, but Ciel energetically flew out of the room.
Hiya~! And at last, Ain finally finds true peace with herself.
And we finally find more AinCiel fluff~!
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I love this series, especially this chapter.
Honestly, I have a lot I want to say but I really can’t think too much right now, so let’s see how much I can go.
This chapter, Ain finally realises that *NO*, deleting yourself *isn’t* the only answer, as well as why she was thinking that way.
Ain has always been insecure and it’s understandable why.
The happenings in the mansion five years ago really broke her self-confidence, in addition to her thinking of herself as a mere parasite to begin with.
What I like about Ain her as well is, well, the way she was talking about responsibility.
Based on what she said, she likely died as a college student and it shows in her mindset.
For many people, college is when you start to think about the uncertainty of your future.
While this isn’t the case for everyone, and some even think about it at a much earlier age, it reflects on both Ain’s pragmatism and pessimism, though her pessimism might have been more influenced by the first five years.
The uncertainty regarding her ability to make Ciel happy seems to give her dread, so much that she’s driving herself into a corner.
Her denseness and tendency of overthinking does seem to be a factor here as well, as based in some studies and my personal experience, overthinking does lead to much anxiety.
However, Ciel was there to the rescue.
I think this sentiment is shared between a lot of us readers, but Ciel is really great.
Anyhow, Ciel here finally snapped hearing Ain dense and airheaded about Ciel’s feelings and very bluntly asks if Ain hates her.
After all, why else would Ain repeatedly ask if Ciel is *completely sure* that she doesn’t want Ain to go and vanish Lol.
And then here we have Ain finally, of her own will, opening up to Ciel about her insecurity, possibly the first time she shows anyone her more sensitive side.
I absolutely love it.
And then after some more bonding and talking, we end with Ciel’s predictable but still exciting wish and her wanting to reserve a whole day with Ain without anyone barging in on them, lol.